Dreamer Part 2

I recently wrote about my breakup with the Tab Choir and how it has affected my life.  I have struggled a long time to set things right in my spirit and heart.  Since I left the choir, I have had a sister-in-law (among others) invite me to join a choir they sing in, I will like it, they say, they could use me, etc.  I have not felt like I wanted to do it.  I wasn't ready for a new commitment of that type.  And how could I ever find anything comparable to "my" choir? I didn't think it would happen. 

I spent a lot of time checking on my sore and tender places where there were big gashes left from ripping away from the Tab choir, and I didn't know how to fix them. But something happened one day, something that tempted me to try singing with a choir again (a choir a little more intense than ward choir which I had already started doing) Feeling adventuresome, I saw my sister-in-law Myrl at a family party this late summer and I said to her, "I think I'm ready to try singing in a choir again."  Her face lit up and she said, "I'll send you a link to the website and you can sign up and I'll pick you up for rehearsal this Sunday." Apparently they had just started meeting and rehearsing again for the fall and Christmas season.  I went home and the link was already there in an email from her.  I clicked on it, went to the site and immediately got cold feet.  What was I thinking? I wasn't really ready, or was I? It seemed scary and risky and...I just quit thinking about it for a bit.  

Later in the week, I went to my sacred place to worship and meditate. I had some things on my mind and I needed sanctuary from the outside and solace for the inside of me.  While there, I thought, "Why don't I put this choir thing to the Lord and see if He has any counsel for me?"  Almost before I could pose the question I got the answer, loud and clear: "Yes. Do it."  I was a little surprised but I decided at that moment I would go to the rehearsal scheduled for the coming Sunday and "see." I would audition the choir, and then decide from there.

There were two other ladies besides Myrl who drove in the car pool to choir together (kind of like Tab choir), one of whom I already knew.  We chatted and laughed and swapped a few stories and then we were at the chapel. I nervously went in, kind of hovering close to Myrl. She and the other two women were sopranos and they were planing to sit in a different place than me, a lonely alto.  I said, "I feel like a kid on the first day of school or something."  She acknowledged my anxiety and said, "Let me introduce you to some of my friends--look, there's Donna."  The benches were spotted with a few individuals and littered with purses, bags, music folders, etc. saving spots for their friends. We walked over to the other side of the chapel and Donna said hi and made a place for me next to her, scooting over a music folder.  We were there kind of early but within a few minutes the place filled up.  

Our conductor, Kelly DeHaan arrived and wandered up to the stand.  I stared at him for a few minutes, not immediately recognizing him.  I knew him from Tab Choir and the last time I had seen him he was playing the role of Sancho in Man of La Mancha at Hale Theater.  I stared intently at his face and realized it was indeed him, but he was missing about 100 or so pounds or so.  I asked Donna about it and she filled me in on his journey of illness and surgery and having to rest his voice for a year.  Wow.  She also told me he still did all of his different choirs, including his main job, a high school music director.  This choir we were in, Sterling Singers, was an unpaid job, an offering back to God for all of the gifts he felt he had received. I had no idea.

I opened up the music folder and glancing through it, I froze.  Were we really going to sing these arrangements by Mack Wilburg? I knew this stuff.  I loved this stuff.  I MISSED this stuff!!  The organ cranked up the amazing intro to Joy to the World and when the choir voices joined in, I couldn't hardly hold it all.  I nearly faltered as I fought to channel the emotion rising in me into the music.  My soul soared! My heart was bursting.  I sang on, with gusto.  I shed a tear or two but kept singing with everything I had, adding my joy to the world.  The sound encircling me was glorious.  I wallowed in the effect of the chords and musical transitions and crescendos. I was nearly out of my mind.  I was experiencing the same feelings of rapture I had felt when I sang with that other choir--my ex-choir.  Up to this point I had been resigned to the fact I would never have the same singing experience again in this life--but no! I was wrong, thankfully wrong.

As the rest of the night unfolded, I allowed the doors I had shut on portions of my wounded soul to open. Little by little, the bits and pieces of sorrow slipped away and floated off with the notes of music I sang.  I was grateful Myrl had patiently invited me, more than once or twice to join this choir. I was grateful I followed the counsel of the Lord (especially when I had asked) to come and sing.  I was humbled with the agreement of my husband Wally's support to do this thing again.  Granted, it was not a year round commitment, and the rehearsals were shorter and only once a week, but still, he knew what it meant for him, and for me.

A couple of months have passed.  Donna saves me a place each week. The pieces are coming along nicely.  I know we may never have the precision of timing or pitch that come with singing in the Tab Choir so long and hard, and I will never have the voice a younger me owned, but we are all kind of close. The music is still powerful and uplifting.  And I have learned some new music for the first time we never sang in the other choir. It's beautiful and moving.  I am happy. I am feeling whole again, in ways I didn't anticipate would ever happen. Our conductor's personality is like a mixture of some of my former conductors--precise, loving, funny and really good. Something happens when people give of their time, talents and energy to create something better than anything they could do alone, something to honor their God. It's powerful, and I am so grateful to be a part of this magnificence.